What is magical about being a father is to watch a to-do list become a real person.
When we left the hospital with L, we were almost surprised we were allowed to do so. She was so small and fragile, we knew so little. All we had was a list of things we had to do to keep her alive. Wake her up every three hours so she doesn’t starve. Make sure her poo is neither too dark nor too light. Keep the room warm and her away from blankets so she doesn’t freeze or suffocate. And always always always support her neck. Luckily, it’s easy to follow the list by just staying in bed. I loved the first two weeks in our nest, where pillows and blankets and days and nights and cuteness and insights melted into each other. And I liked going out from time to time to „hunt“ for some food.
A newborn’s needs during that time are so primordial that it is hard to tell where nature ends and the individual begins. Over time though, especially after experiencing other babies, it became more and more clear that we were not watching some vanilla boot-up of a new human operating system, but a very specific person finding their way into an overwhelming world. The moment she turned around when someone else in the streets spoke German. The way she hugged strangers except the first time she met someone with a beard. The way she loved to watch our hoover like others watch horror movies, with curious fascination but tightly holding onto our hands. It’s kind of magical that each of us learns certain things like walking on our own, by combining some genetic predispositions with laws of nature, time, and a lot of trial and error. Even a baby’s preferences for rolling, crawling, or just chilling seem to eerily reflect their character traits in other areas of their small lives—or to say it differently, it might be what makes “character” in the first place.
Every once in a while, in another moment like those mentioned above, I realize how my thinking switches. Where a minute ago there was a list of chores to do before leaving the house, L reminds me that no, we are already three people living our life together, one of whom just happens to lack certain capabilities for a few years. And also, once in a while, when I meet other people or look into the mirror, I think how that person too found their very own way into their very own life, and how weird it is to judge that way in terms of How Life Is Supposed to Be.